WEATHER

Newcomer’s guide to spring in Phoenix

Dominic Verstegen

Special to The Republic

Black Canyon Trail | Historically, Black Canyon Trail served as a corridor of travel for Native Americans and later was used as a stage road and by ranchers to move livestock.

Spring training begins this week. By definition, that means it’s almost spring here in the Valley.

After our long, cold winter, people are excited.

Given how we only dipped into the 30s twice, and we got into the 80s five times in January alone, calling this most recent season “winter" is deeply offensive to Midwesterners, even those living in denial who claim that the most recent blizzard there “wasn’t that bad,” and that the snow will definitely melt “sometime by June.”

But what is “spring” in a place where reaching 120 degrees isn’t a record high on a number of days in June?

Those folks new to Arizona (according to the numbers, most of you), here’s what you can expect now that spring is on its way.

Death heat

The main thing to prepare yourself for is the out-of-nowhere heat that is part of spring here in Phoenix. While not every day will burn your face off, some days will. Take March, for example. Last year, the average high temperature was 82 degrees, and the average low was 58. How do you like that, San Diego?

But, every once in a while, there’s an absurd spike in the temperature, like how it hit 100 degrees as early as March 26 that one year. It’s abrupt and dangerous.

Like my son darting for the X-Box when we tell him he can play Fortnite, or my wife lunging for the remote to change the channel when that commercial for HGTV’s Home Town starts and that one lady says “get up and do it.”

Panic to jam in outdoor activities

The sporadic heat spikes remind us that soon it will be this hot all the time, and that we better get out and do our beloved outdoor activities before it’s too late. We’ve neglected taking advantage of the lovely weather, and haven’t done enough hiking or biking or other activities ending in –iking. It’s like cramming for a test, or ticking things off your bucket list before you die.

Which is more than a coincidence, because there is a genuine chance of death if you continue to live here in July.

Baseball

It’s not just the occasionally outrageous heat that makes spring in the Valley unique. Fifteen Major League Baseball teams call the Valley home for the better part of February and all of March. And nothing says springtime like the return of baseball.

Of course, 500+ highly paid, knucklehead professional ballplayers milling around town also means all the collateral damage that goes with that, including foul balls hitting windshields and passersby, a marked increase in incidents best described as “boys being boys” in our restaurants and bars, and sunflower seed shells littered all over our sidewalks and malls.

Death bees

Speaking of baseball, every spring training is marked by an incident or two where a swarm of bees descends on the field and completely freaks out a left fielder. Cactus League bees: A buzzing 13-year history

Bees swarm on a bag near the Kansas City Royals' dugout during the second inning of a spring training baseball game against the Colorado Rockies Tuesday, March 8, 2016, in Surprise, Ariz.

As hilarious is this is, the springtime return of bees should turn us all into cowering left fielders. These bees of death could decide to attack any one of us, at any time, for any reason. I find it absolutely bizarre that we all live in a world where a swarm of 50,000 bees occasionally picks off a random jogger, but instead of living our lives in fear, we choose to ignore the very real threat of violent bee attack, and instead worry about things like what Meghan Markle is wearing or how the President probably started a nuclear war by tweeting an offensive meme or something. Weird.

Less crowded

When the baseball players leave for their respective cities, many of the snowbirds from the Midwest clear out of here, too. The roads and restaurants get noticeably less crowded, particularly until about 5:30.

Leaving before the real heat gets here is yet another example of how we should heed the wisdom of our elders. Except when it comes to technology and opinions about various CBS procedural dramas like NCIS Toledo and Blue Bloods.

Orange blossoms

My first visit to Phoenix was in the spring of 1995. On my cold flight back to Iowa, I was struck by how beautiful the Valley was, how the orange blossoms filled the air with a genuinely delightful smell, and how surprising it was that the nasty sunburn on my pasty white thighs affected my ability to sit normally.

Fast forward 20 plus years. Now I live here and I still look forward to the smell of the orange blossoms every spring. Of course, starting a few years back, that smell has coincided with a strong allergic reaction causing me to discharge an aggressive amount of mucus from various parts of my face through most of March and April.

Which really is spring in the Valley in a nutshell. The weather is usually really great, and we’re so fortunate to be able to sit and enjoy that in the outfield grass at a spring training baseball game – unless it’s randomly 100 degrees or a swarm of death bees attacks you and the left fielder.