A Kentucky Republican can always dream about the Fancy Farm that wasn't

Scott Jennings
Opinion contributor

Well, I’m finally back home from Fantasy Farm. The first Saturday in August always brings out Kentucky’s political stars for old-fashioned stump speaking and politicking on the grounds of St. Jerome Catholic Church deep in Western Kentucky’s Jackson Purchase region.

A misty rain couldn’t keep away thousands of Republicans and Democrats who vote Republican to hear from Gov. Andy Beshear and U.S. Sen. Mitch McConnell and his November opponent, Amy McGrath.

Beshear, who as you know transcends all politics and divisiveness, warmed up the crowd with a 10-minute game of “Mother, May I?” The governor delighted in disallowing the Republican side of the pavilion from moving at all, despite their reasonable requests, while letting the Democrats do whatever they pleased.

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Afterward, when questioned about the arbitrary nature of his decisions and the apparent double standard, Beshear said: “We can only control what we can control.”

The big matchup between McConnell and McGrath did not disappoint. Despite being late (McGrath’s camp forgot Fantasy Farm was happening Saturday and then couldn’t find it on the map), the picnic first-timer gamely defended the rioters in Portland, Oregon.

“Those folks trying to burn down the federal courthouse, that’s just peaceful protesting,” McGrath said. “I mean, look over there,” she said, gesturing at the smoking barbecue pits.

“What’s the difference between Antifa and those arsonists setting fire to that wood? And we aren’t tear gassing them, are we?” McGrath said, as confused church volunteers looked on.

McGrath’s speech ended when bored Democrats drowned her final words in chants of “Book-er, Book-er,” referring to her close primary in which she spent over $31 million to win just 45% of the vote.

McConnell’s speech was interrupted by a ringing iPhone on his belt. He answered it on speaker and a familiar voice boomed.

“Mitch? Mitch? It’s Donald. Look, I know you want to have the election in November, but honestly if we wait a few months Biden may not make it that long,” said President Donald Trump, his voice carrying for all to hear.

McConnell, sighing heavily, finally hung up on Trump and plowed ahead, zinging McGrath on her recent voter-registration efforts.

“I read that you personally registered 15 new Democrats,” McConnell said. “Your party has lost 6,783 registrants since 2014, when I was last reelected. So, you only have 6,768 to go to get back to zero.” Official statistics show Republicans, during that same time, have gained over 281,000 voters in Kentucky.

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First District Congressman James Comer, facing no serious opposition in the fall, discussed his new perch as ranking member on the House Oversight Committee. But there was an unmistakable buzz in the air about his future, as picnic patrons wondered if Comer will take another shot at Kentucky’s governor’s mansion in 2023.

“I can’t believe how easy Congress is,” Comer said. “I’ve been there for like 10 minutes and already they gave me the job that Fox News loves the most!”

But Comer, ever mindful of his old Kentucky home, previewed a future race against Beshear by zinging the governor for winning less than 50% of the vote against former Gov. Matt Bevin in 2019.

“Next time, you won’t be running against someone less popular than your average family of fire ants,” Comer said, swatting two nemeses for the price of one.

Kentucky’s constitutional officers took their turns, save Secretary of State Mike Adams, who mailed in his speech ahead of time. Fantasy Farm picnic czar Mark Wilson dutifully carried Adams' speech to the lectern, opened the two envelopes in which it was packaged, and did his best Adams impression.

“To the good people of Western Kentucky, land of my ancestors, I salute your good nature and hearty souls,” the letter began. “Kentucky has a shortage of pole dancers and poll workers, but can you guess which is more urgently needed?”

Agriculture Commissioner Ryan Quarles, always at home in farm country, announced he’d come up with a way to transform hemp into bacon, and Attorney General Daniel Cameron discussed the federal issues he thinks will be important in 2026.

“I just thought that was a good year to talk about,” Cameron told a reporter afterward. “By the way, this is Mitch’s last term, right?”

Fantasy Farm 2020 was one for the history books, and we all look forward to being back next year!

Author’s note: The political speaking at the actual Fancy Farm did not take place this year, although church officials told me they sold all their barbecue and a lot of raffle tickets, t-shirts, and masks. The annual Fancy Farm tradition continued uninterrupted from 1881 until this year’s pandemic forced cancellation of the event.

Scott Jennings is a Republican adviser, CNN political contributor, and partner at RunSwitch Public Relations. He can be reached at Scott@RunSwitchPR.com or on Twitter @ScottJenningsKY.