Brexit headache

HONEST, we have been trying to find some positive stories about Brexit. So we turn to Glasgow stand-up Janey Godley who explained at the weekend: "Last night at the Stand Comedy Club in Edinburgh a woman in the front row of the audience from The Netherlands agreed to post me over insulin and migraine tablets. So in seven seconds I got a better Brexit deal that Theresa May did in two years."

Rings a bell

SOMEHOW we stumbled into stories about ringing bells to summon bar staff, and David Russell tells us: "The bar at the sergeants' mess of the Royal Military Police facility within Edinburgh Castle boasted a large highly polished brass bell, like a ship's bell, at the end of the counter. The bar was not constantly manned, but any person foolish enough to ring it instantly heard a cheer of 'Mess Round' and was obliged to pay to fill all the glasses proffered. On a plus side, the drink was ridiculously cheap."

Bottoms up

BRINGING up children, continued. After our story about the child who accused its mother of cutting her sandwich the wrong way, Alastair Liddell in Clydebank confesses: "Years ago when my son was about six, he wanted a packet of crisps. As it was close to tea-time, I refused, but the tears and snotters started and I eventually gave in and opened the packet. The tears continued. It turned out I had opened the wrong end. I eventually had to seal up the bottom, turn it upside down and open the 'correct end'. Revenge was late in coming, as twenty years later his son did it to him."

Break a leg

THE Herald news story about claims that hospital patients in Scotland are being fed processed meats which contain a chemical linked to bowel cancer reminds us of comedian Paul Merton of Have I Got News For You fame, recalling in his autobiography an early appearance at the Edinburgh Fringe when he broke his leg in a football match some of the comedians had organised. Taken to hospital in Edinburgh he was then told after being kept in for a few days that he had also contracted Hepatitis A. Wrote Paul: "'How have I managed that?' I asked the doctor. 'Well,' he said, 'between you and me, you've probably caught it from the hospital food'." Paul replied that he didn't recall it being on the menu.

What's he driving at

A READER muses in an email: "I know the bleeding heart liberals will say 'Oh but they are a British citizen and have rights' but I say, 'Look at the terrible things they did overseas before saying we should let them back in'. And besides, I think Carpool Karaoke host James Corden is happy where he is at present."

That'll teach you

WE mentioned how to address head-teachers in front of class, and Isobel Lovie says: "Years ago as a newly qualified primary school teacher in a small Banffshire school, when courtesy was de rigeur, the infant mistress informed me that when the headmaster entered the class he expected the children to stand and greet him formally. I duly taught the children that they had to stand and say, 'Good morning, Mr Hardie'.

"On his first appearance they did so only to be told that he was to be addressed as 'Sir' and not 'Mr Hardie'. Inevitably, on his next visit the class came to attention and greeted him with 'Good morning, Sir Hardie'. My career took some time to recover.

Last straw

TODAY'S piece of whimsy comes from a reader who says: "I’m glad we’re finally banning plastic straws because we care about the animal kingdom. It’s about time we started doing something about camels and their fragile backs."