Tennessee's Maddy Banic escapes darkest hours of mental health battle, wins NCAA title

Maddy Banic knew she was going to lose it. Given all she’d been through, Banic knew there was no way to contain her emotions.

She’d spent the last few years dealing with depression and anxiety. She drank heavily to mask the pain, skipped classes and nearly attempted suicide.

As much as she dreamed of this moment actually happening, there were many times she doubted it would ever arrive.

Two years after suffering a panic attack at the NCAA Swimming and Diving Championships and having to pull out, Banic was standing at the top of the podium surrounded by teammates who never left her side in her darkest hours.

The senior capped her career by helping the Tennessee women’s 200-yard medley relay team win a national title last month at the NCAA Championships in Austin, Texas.

Meghan Small, Nikol Popov, Banic and Erika Brown swam a program-record time of 1:34.10 to capture the fourth NCAA relay title in program history.

“Right after we finished and touched, I just broke down in tears. I was a disaster and crying so hard,” Banic said. “All the pride and love I have for my teammates came pouring out of me. I can’t even put it into words.”

'I kept losing people because I kept scaring people'

Banic arrived at Tennessee as a free-spirited freshman eager to learn and explore. But by her sophomore year, she had grown more sullen and burdened by expectations.

The Virginia native sought treatment from professionals and was diagnosed with depression and anxiety. She began taking medication and undergoing therapy.

But no matter what she tried, the mental torment persisted.

She became more isolated, committed self harm and turned to alcohol as an escape.

“I kept losing people because I kept scaring people and I don’t blame them at all,” Banic said. “I just kept putting all my problems on my teammates and getting mad at them for not being able to change anything or not caring enough when they cared more than they could explain. I just couldn’t see it.”

Amidst her struggles, Banic captured the 50 freestyle title at the 2017 SEC Championships in a school-record time of 21.54, edging Olympian Olivia Smoliga of Georgia.

But the elation was only temporary.

At the NCAA Championships a month later, Banic suffered a panic attack and was wheeled off the pool deck on a stretcher and taken to the hospital.

Banic felt guilty for letting down her team and eventually hit rock bottom.

She decided to end her life on a Sunday late in the summer of 2017.

Banic gathered all the medication she could find in her house and wrote goodbye letters to everyone she loved.

Just before swallowing the pills, she sent a text message to her therapist as one last cry for help.

Within minutes, teammates Carrie Johnson and Christina Paspalas busted through her door and prevented Banic from trying to take her life.

“That was definitely my lowest point,” Banic said. “I didn’t want to be here anymore. I don’t even know what really triggered it, but I just decided it was time to go. Carrie and Christina basically saved my life, so I owe them everything.”

Paspalas doesn’t remember exact details of that day because everyone has tried to move past the episode. But she recalls being alerted by Banic’s therapist that Banic was in trouble.

“It was really scary to be honest, but we knew we had to get into her room and take action,” Paspalas said. “We haven’t really talked about it much since it happened, but we are all so grateful we were there for her that day and so thankful to be able to help Maddy.”

An advocate for mental health

Sitting in his office at the Allan Jones Aquatic Center last month, Tennessee coach Matt Kredich’s eyes moistened at the memory.

“I get emotional when I stop and think about it because I feel like we were probably so close to losing an incredible young woman,” Kredich said. “To see her thriving, and I do believe she is thriving now, it’s just an incredible story and really, really inspiring. Her transformation is one of the great highlights of my career. I don’t view it as my accomplishment, but view it as her accomplishment that I got to witness.”

After her near suicide attempt, Banic entered a residential treatment center in Chicago for a month. She dropped her classes, left the team and focused on getting healthy and happy again.

Simultaneously, Kredich was doing his own internal assessment of his program. He wanted to ensure Tennessee was doing everything possible to help athletes deal with their mental health.

“I was kind of in a panic at first and started calling other people, and what I realized is that it wasn’t just our program. There are a lot of programs dealing with this,” Kredich said. “That was kind of the leading edge of what is recognized now as a national crisis and it’s not getting any better. It’s getting worse, but I think our ability to handle it is increasing.”

Banic remains grateful for the support she received at Tennessee during her struggles. She’s become an advocate for mental health awareness and wants to help others avoid the despair she endured.

After her stay at the treatment facility, Banic wasn’t allowed to rejoin the team, use the facilities or even communicate with coaches until she enrolled in school full time again in January 2018.

She is working to try and amend the NCAA rule.

“If you have extenuating circumstances like a mental health issue or a family member who is ill and you have to drop out of class, you should still be allowed to practice with the team when you come back,” said Banic, who represented Tennessee at the SEC Student-Athlete Advisory Council meetings earlier this year. “I understand you don’t want them to compete or abuse the rule, but you should at least be able to practice with your team and get back to what is normal for you.”

'Retired' from swimming and living life 'day-by-day'

Banic’s teammates voted her a team captain this season, something that “meant the world” to Banic. She had worked hard to regain their trust once she returned from treatment. She never wanted to feel like she let them down again.

Being able to celebrate an NCAA title with them was cathartic.

“What swimming at Tennessee really taught me about myself is that I am really big at competing and living for something bigger than myself,” Banic said. “I like being able to perform with a group and work for something bigger than myself. These girls have been my family for four years and will be family now that we are done. We will be in each other’s weddings.”

Having “retired” from swimming after the NCAA Championships, Banic is learning how to operate on a less rigid schedule and establish an identity beyond being an athlete.

The NCAA title didn’t make her problems go away. She realizes she will likely be dealing with her mental health issues for the rest of her life.

But she feels better equipped to handle the rough spots and isn’t afraid to ask for help when needed.

“It’s really day-by-day,” said Banic, who will graduate in August with a degree in kinesiology. “You have your ups and downs and nobody is perfect. I am not perfect. I still have my moments. I think overall it is going to be hard starting a new chapter away from the team, but I am excited to kind of take that step and see what else I can dedicate my life to outside of swimming.”