WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Surprisingly high turnout among smart voters in Kentucky on Tuesday has left Senator Rand Paul “terrified and shattered,” one of Paul’s aides has revealed.
As the election returns came in Tuesday night, it became clear that intelligent voters, who had never played a prominent role in any of Senator Paul’s electoral contests, were making their feelings known in unprecedented numbers.
“What we were seeing was huge participation by voters who apparently both consume and comprehend verifiable facts,” the senator’s aide said. “As far as Rand Paul is concerned, this is the doomsday scenario.”
As the night wore on, the aide said, Paul stared at the Kentucky election returns on TV in a near-catatonic state, finally moaning, “Where are all of these smart people coming from, damn it?”
The aide cautioned that it remains to be seen whether the heavy turnout of sentient Kentucky voters is a one-off fluke, but, if it turns out to be a lasting trend, “Rand Paul is going to have to find a dumber state.”
