Stephen Colbert: 'If Trump can’t trust Fox, what’s he’s going to do?'

Late-night hosts focused on Trump’s re-election campaign launch, and the Kyle Kashuv controversy.

Stephen Colbert: ‘Thank you for the crazed cheering’

“Thank you for your crazed cheering. For just one moment there, I felt like I was launching my presidential campaign,” chuckled Colbert as he opened The Late Show with the news of Trump’s re-election campaign launch in Orlando.

His supporters apparently lined up days beforehand to be able to attend. “Apparently, he hasn’t brought all of America’s jobs back, considering this is a Tuesday.” Trump also had food trucks and live music before the event and calling it “45 Fest”, which Colbert nicknamed “45 Fest, Maga-Palooza, Old-chella.”

The band set to perform at this 45 Fest are named the Guzzlers. “The best band the president could get and are also available to play music at your wedding, corporate or special event in Texas, Louisiana, Mississippi and Oklahoma.”

But even though Trump is projecting strength, the polls tell a different story, so much so that even Fox is reporting it. “Ouch. Fox News. You pledged to be there for him for better or worse. You keep this up and he’s going to leave you for a younger network.”

Trump later tweeted about the network’s poll coverage, saying something weird was going on at Fox. Colbert agreed, “They’ve started reporting the – I hope I’m pronouncing this right – the truf? The trooth?” He continued: “If Trump can’t trust Fox, what’s he’s going to do? His only source of news will be Snapple caps.”

Jimmy Kimmel: ‘He’s thrown his hat, made in China, in the ring’

“On what was a day of pompadour and circumstance in the United States, yet another candidate for the office of president has thrown his hat, made in China, in the ring, and that candidate is Donald Jennifer Trump,” said Jimmy Kimmel. Trump tweeted in advance of his re-election launch rally that Republican enthusiasm was high. Kimmel took a swipe at this: “This is what happens when you brush your teeth with Mountain Dew.”

Trump later tweeted there would be big screens to accommodate the crowd outside as well as food trucks. “Big screens, food trucks … he’s doing more for the people at his rally in Orlando than he did for all of Puerto Rico after the hurricane,” said Kimmel. “The only thing a 73-year-old golfer should be announcing in Florida is his retirement.”

But Kimmel wasn’t the only one not excited about Trump’s return to the campaign trail. One of the largest Florida newspapers, the Orlando Sentinel, ran its opinion on the front page with the headline: “Our endorsement for president in 2020: not Donald Trump.” Kimmel agreed with the sentiment, but was skeptical about the state’s central position in the general election. “It is crazy that Florida basically gets to decide our election. It’s like letting your dog decide what’s for dinner every night.”

Trevor Noah: ‘Like he’s plagiarizing a Tarantino script’

The Daily Show’s Trevor Noah focused on another hot current issue: college admissions. “That special time in a teenager’s life. When they ask institutions of higher learning to saddle them with soul-crushing debt.

“Now, the issue of who does or does not get into prestigious universities has been in the news more than usual lately, mostly thanks to the third most popular actress on the Hallmark Channel.”

Kyle Kashuv, a survivor of the Parkland school shooting, had his Harvard admission rescinded after texts where he expressed racist and antisemitic sentiments resurfaced. “We’ve got a Parkland shooting survivor who is a pro-gun advocate, fighting about college admissions and racism. Basically, every hot button is crammed into one story. All that’s missing is abortion and then you get bingo,” said Noah.

In one of the messages, Kashuv used the N-word 11 times. “I mean, look at that message. Forget Harvard. It looks like he’s plagiarizing one of Quentin Tarantino’s scripts.”

Kashuv later apologized for the messages, saying he did it for shock value and it is not who he is. But Noah pointed out: “It’s always funny to me that people who purposefully go for shock value and shock effect are always surprised when their shock gets effects.”

Although some people believe Kashuv should be admitted, Noah was not sympathetic. “But that’s exactly what college admissions does. They judge you for what you did in high school.”