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Don’t go in the water! Beachgoers at Southend.
Don’t go in the water! Beachgoers at Southend. Photograph: Abstract Aerial Art/Getty Images
Don’t go in the water! Beachgoers at Southend. Photograph: Abstract Aerial Art/Getty Images

Muddy waters: why swimming in the sea might make you sick

This article is more than 3 years old

A study has found that sea-bathers are three times as likely to report infections as people who don’t have a dip. Shame the sea is one of the few places you can swim right now

Name: Sea bathing.

Age: As old as humanity itself.

Appearance: Much sicklier than you would expect.

What are my swimming options right now? They are limited. You can’t swim in a public pool, because they are closed. And you can’t swim in a private pool, because you’re not an ostentatious millionaire. 

Wild swimming? No, because the law clearly states that every time you go wild swimming, you have to write a 2,000-word first-person piece about it for a broadsheet newspaper magazine supplement, and honestly, who has the time?

So, that leaves the sea. Yes. And even then, that’s not really such a great idea. The sea, you see, is absolutely teeming with viruses.

The virus? No, not the virus, but a virus where you get ear infections and diarrhoea from submerging your head in raw sewage.

Oh God. Sorry, but it’s true. A new health survey by the University of Exeter has revealed that swimming in the sea makes you three times more likely to report infections

What sort of infections? Sea-bathers are four times as likely to report ear infections and twice as likely to visit their doctor with skin conditions as people who do not enter the sea. Plus they are at greater risk of respiratory illness and gastroenteritis, too, which is fun.

But why? Because the sea is awful, clearly. Everything about it is awful. It’s full of animals that can eat you, you can drown in it and now it turns out that it’s so dirty that you would be better off rolling around in a massive pile of bogies.

Is there anything that can be done? Sure. You could always check the Surfers Against Sewage real-time water quality map, which lists all the dirtiest water that you should definitely not try swimming in. For example, right now you should avoid Whitby, Weston-Super-Mare, Scarborough and Clacton.

Because the quality of water is so bad there? Let’s say yes.

So you’re saying I should definitely not swim in the sea. Not at all. There are many health benefits to swimming. But at the same time, there are still risks attached, and you should be aware of them. Consider it the aquatic equivalent of not following the arrows around Tesco Express. 

Fine then, I’ll just go to the beach instead. DON’T GO TO THE BEACH! My God, haven’t you seen the news? All the beaches are packed. You can’t socially distance on a beach! You’re creating a second wave.

So I’ll just stay at home? Yes please. Stay at home. Run a bath. Lob a bucket of poo into it. It will be exactly the same as swimming in the sea, I promise. 

Do say: “Just when you thought it was safe to go back into the water …”

Don’t say: “… you accidentally swallow an abandoned verruca plaster.”

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